Tag Archives: nose2tail

How to cook cat testicles with your coffee maker

Speaking of ballz… A while back ago, when I posted the “How to cook a cat with your coffee maker” on my Swedish blog, some people got kind of upset. I got all kind of weird comments but especially one got me very confused. This one person called me a cannibal and I really don’t get it. I’m not a cat (regardless of what Chris Ramsey believes). Iggy is not a human. So if I ate her (or if she ate me) that’s not cannibalism? Then it would be cannibalism if I ate a chicken, a cow, a pig or even if I swallowed a fly. And isn’t it normal in like China to eat both cats and dogs? And most of the Chinese people aren’t cannibals, are they? No, that was just a really stupid comment that I got.

But some people are kind of stupid and for those people I followed up with this next recipe, just to clear things out. If a cat eat parts of a cat – THAT´S cannibalism.

Or should I say canniballism

Fittingly the day after I got the comment we left Zappa for neutering. So now I give you my canniball-recipe:

how to cook food with your coffee maker how to cook food with your coffee maker

Time

  • 1 hour (excl. neutering)

Ingredients

  • 1 set of fresh cat testicles
  • 2 shrimps
  • 1 tbsp of Russian caviar (only the best for the best!)
  • Some minced meat
  • 1 quail egg yolk
  • 1 dash of oil
  • Some rocket salad

Instructions

Leave your male cat at the vets in the morning and pick him and “the remains” up in the afternoon.

Pour water into the coffee maker brewer and place the balls in the coffee maker carafe. Start your coffee maker and cook the balls until they get a bit more tender – but still with a crunchy core. The time depends on the size of the balls.

Meanwhile, prepare for the plating that ought to be kind of small portions – suitable for your cat. First a small bed of arugula, then a nice and round portion of minced meat and top with an egg yolk and a ball next to it.

Since it’s most often two balls I wanted to make two slightly different dishes. First the arugula, then the meat, but now top with shrimp, caviar and – of course – the second testicle.

Turn off your coffee maker.

Ready to be served!

how to cook food with your coffee maker

Trying to find a suitaball recipe.

how to cook food with your coffee maker

Don’t play with the food, Zappa!

how to cook food with your coffee maker

How to cook cat testicles with your coffee maker.

how to cook food with your coffee maker

“Smells ballmy…”

how to cook food with your coffee maker

Nice to lick some ballz.

how to cook food with your coffee maker

“Thank you, Mami. That was delectaball!”

Now, that wasn’t hard to understand. Was it?

Photo: Dan Sörensen.

Bloody Valentine – How to cook three kinds of heart with your coffee maker

Valentine’s Day is called “Alla hjärtans dag” in Sweden and literally that translates “All of the hearts’ day”. So I went and bought three kinds of hearts (didn’t find any more) so it’s not really a “All of the hearts’s day”-recipe, but at least a three hearts’ recipe – lamb, chicken and pig. Well, a four hearts’ recipe if you count the love from your own heart that you’ll put in the making of this dish.

If we put this jibber jabber aside and get to the point. How do you cook heart with a coffee maker? I asked myself that question yesterday and like with the testies recipe I didn’t have a clue. The only thing I knew was that if it taste like liver it’s not right. So when it started to smell like liver during the cooking I got kind of nervous. I don’t know if I imagined the smell, or if the other ingredients hid the taste of liver, because the finished dish didn’t taste like liver.

So, this my friend, is how you cook three different kinds of heart on your coffee maker and make a romantic salad out of it.

coffee machine cuisine

Time

2 hours

Ingredients

1/2 coffee maker plate of pig heart (1 plate is what fits on the coffee maker heater)
1/2 coffee maker plate of lamb heart
1/2 coffee maker plate of chicken hearts
Red chard
Pomegranate
Mozzarella
Parmesan
Walnuts
Balsamic vinegar
Olive oil
Salt
Pepper
Butter

Instructions

Start your coffee maker and heat the butter directly on the plate. Clear away the gory stuff from the hearts and cut into smaller pieces. Coffee maker fry a plate of lamb and pig heart (50 /50) throughly on each side. The time depends on the sizes of the pieces, for me it took approximately 45 minutes. Twist and turn so the hearts wont get burned. Season with love (salt and pepper) .

Replace the lamb and the pig hearts to all the chickens’ hearts you have prepared. Coffee maker cook them exactly the same as the others. Turn of your coffee maker.

Mix the salad with shared mozzarella and pomegranate. Place the hearts on the bed of salad. Top with grated parmesan and crushed walnuts. Drizzle balsamic vinegar and serve.

coffee machine cuisine

There will be blood.

coffee machine cuisine

Burned heart.

coffee machine cuisine

Broken heart.

 

 

coffee machine cuisine

I just love to play with my food (while the angels of the lambs, pigs and chickens all hums “Quit playing games with my heart”).

Actually I don’t really care at all about Valentine’s Day. The “usual” celebration of this day anyway. My approach however to the day and my recipe I find is darn good. This is a recipe that contains a lot of hearts (this makes more sense in Sweden because of the Swedish name for Valentine’s – “All of the hearts’ day”)! There is a large surplus of hearts (and other parts of course) after the animals were slaughtered so this is a good day to celebrate the nose to tail eating instead. So from the bottom of my heart I wish you a lovely All of the hearts’ day.

Foto: Dan Sörensen.

How to cook Pork Knuckles with your coffee maker

Ha! A well known swedish news paper called me yesterday for an interview about the nose to tail trend. I think that she probable called to ask me about my opinion because of my testicle tacos recipe. And I’m glad to get the opportunity to officially be a pro nose to tail person. Because I DO think it’s very important to at least try to cook with “strange” ingredients if you eat meat. At least one time! To say that something you have never tried is disgusting is stupid. If you gladly eat the asses of different animals, why not try the balls as well?

One thing that is disgusting though is pork knuckles. Well, if you ask me. You should try it for yourself and see. Here’s how you can try to cook it with your coffee maker.

how to cook food with your coffee maker

Time

6 hours + cooling

Ingredients

  • 1 divided knuckle of pork
  • 1 onion
  • 1 carrot
  • 6 pieces of allspice berries
  • 2 bay leaves
  • White pepper
  • A lot of salt (like 2 tbsp of it)

Instructions

Thaw feet if necessary. Shave, scrub and rinse the halves well. Chop up the onion and the carrot. Put this together with the spices in the coffee maker can. Pour water into the machine and start the coffee maker. Let stand for about 6 hours, or until the meat is soft and starts to detach from the bone.

Let the halves cool off in the stock, this will solidify into some kind of gelatinous mess that will taste wonderful.

No, I actually thought it was disgusting. But my main problem with this dish is that I have an issue with eating meat directly from bones. It’s the same with chicken legs or spare ribs.

But at least I tried it!

how to cook food with your coffee maker

They look kind of cute, don’t they?

how to cook food with your coffee maker

I love to use ingredients that I have to shave before cooking! <3

how to cook food with your coffee maker

How to cook pork knuckles with your coffee maker.

how to cook food with your coffee maker

It just felt right to eat the pork knuckle naked on the floor.

Foto: Dan Sörensen.

How to cook Testicle Tacos with your coffee maker

The “Fredagsmys” (the Cosy Friday) is an important, very swedish, thing. And for some reason tacos is the thing we eat on the Fredagsmys while we cuddle up in our pajamas in the sofas in front of Let’s Dance or Swedish Idol and shows like that. There is even a song about the Fredagsmys that’s annoyingly catchy.

Usually the protein in tacos are minced beef or/and pork but I think it’s important to use as much of the animal as possible (as long as we eat meat it’s stupid not to) so that’s why I used testicles from sheep this time. And also because the testicles looked very sweet and funny when I saw them laying there in the meat counter.

how to cook food in a coffee maker

Time

1.5 hours

Ingredients

  • Sheep testicles (I used 2 testis)
  • Taco Seasoning
  • Oil
  • Taco Shells
  • Cucumber
  • Red onion
  • Paprika
  • Corn
  • Grated cheese
  • Jalapeño
  • Salad
  • Tomato
  • Guacamole (Dan made this, but I guessed he used avocados, garlic, creme fraiche and some lime)
  • Salsa
  • And another stuff that you prefer in your tacos

Instructions

I knew neither how testicle should taste, how it should look and definately not how it’s supposed to be cooked. But somehow they turned out great!

At first you have to rinse and scale the testicles (see clip below). Divide them into slightly smaller pieces. Or well, that depends of how well hung the sheep were, maybe you don’t need to do this. But one of the testis I bought was freaking huge.

Add the pieces of testies in the coffee can, pour water into the brewer and start the coffee maker. Coffee maker cook for so-so 20 minutes. Chop up all the accessories in the meantime and prepare the guacamole.

When the testies become completely cooked, i.e. (what I think is) more grayish and spongy and less like a jelly fish, drain and rinse the disgusting stuff of from the balls. It sticks a lot of old testicular mucus which I don’t think should be there. Chop up the testies so it will become like testicular mince. Season with taco seasoning. Of course.

Heat the oil directly on the coffee maker plate and add the taco testicular mince. Coffee maker fry until the minced testies get a nice golden color. Turn off the coffee maker.

Serve the testies with whatever you want inside your testicle taco and let the Fredagsmys begin!

how to cook food in a coffee maker

It’s impossible to not fall in love with these!

how to cook food in a coffee maker

I didn’t think a testicle would have this consistency. Like a mix between chicken fillet and jelly fish.

how to cook food in a coffee maker

Ball boiling.

how to cook food in a coffee maker

How to cook testicle tacos with your coffee maker!

how to cook food in a coffee maker

I like to have many balls in the air.

And what did it taste like? Great! I think maybe like a mix between chicken and quorn with a hint of sweaty balls. Maybe I just imagined the last part.

OK! Here’s how you rinse and scale the testies.

Doesn’t it look like a vagina that’s popping out?

Ha! This is how it looks like right now on GP.se (one of Sweden’s largest newspaper).

testicle tacos

Yup. I’m the one who’s juggling with the testicles.

Foto: Dan Sörensen.

The coffee maker chef that loves balloons and cats

Yes, that what this article in GP (Sweden’s second largest morning paper) says! And it’s about why I started to cook food in my coffee maker, my “day job” as a balloon artist and the blog about our cat Gucci that started the Cats wearing tights trend.

how to cook food in a coffee maker

 

I love my title – “Kaffekokarkock” = Coffee maker chef.