How to cook a cat with your coffee maker

After I posted this on the Swedish version of Coffee Machine Cuisine people got very upset. Some of the things they called me was idiot, cannibal (?) and they even said that I’m the reason for the low status that cats got in this society. I don’t get why people are so upset?! It’s no worse than eating a cow, pig or a chicken if you ask me. And hunting must be the most humane way to kill animals for food.

It all took place on a warm and sunny day when me and Dan were out at our cabin with all of our cats. Since we got so many cats I figured that I could shoot one of them so I released them into the woods and began the hunt. First I thought that the fat one, Gucci, would be an easy shot but she managed to escape surprisingly quickly. It was the sun that eventually was Iggy’s downfall. She is quite photophobic you see so she could hardly see where she was going. And BAM, easy shot for me.cooking with your coffee maker

R.I.P. my little sweetheart.

Time

  • 5 hours

Ingredients

  • 1 cat
  • ½ red onion
  • 1 pimiento
  • 1 clove of garlic
  • 2 ½ dl coconut milk
  • 2 ½ dl cream
  • 2 tbsp meat extract
  • Juice of lime
  • Ginger
  • Butter

Instructions

Skin, fillet and chop the kitty cat. Start your coffee maker, grease the heater and place the pieces of your cat onto it. Fry it until they are cooked throughly and tender, it will take about an hour (it depends on what cut of meat you’re using and how fresh it is). Remove the meat and wipe the heater.

Chop all of the remaining ingredients that shall be chopped. Put a dollop of butter into the carafe, let it melt and then put the onion and the garlic in the carafe and fry it for about half an hour. Season with ginger. Add coconut milk, cream and meat extract and let it cook for two hours – it should get really warm. After that add the cat meat and wait a bit longer. Finally add pimiento pieces, lime juice and season generously with freshly ground black pepper and just a little salt. Turn off your coffee maker.

The best way to serve this delicious cat stew is accompanied by a glass of a tasty red wine and freshly baked bread.

cooking with your coffee maker

Dan was a little bit upset because Iggy was his favorite cat. But he’s over it now.

cooking with your coffee maker

How to cook a cat with your coffee maker.

cooking with your coffee maker

Wipe the heater after the cat frying.

cooking with your coffee maker

Take nice photos of the ingredients for your blog post.

cooking with your coffee maker

Add lime juice.

cooking with your coffee maker

Dan took this photo just before I shot her. Look at the panicked eyes. Haha!

Photo: Dan Sörensen.

No cats were harmed in the making of this recipe (one died though).

Oh, and check out the date for this post… ;)

34 thoughts on “How to cook a cat with your coffee maker

  1. You are a cruel, mean and disgusting human who does not deserve the affection of an animal or to be allowed to have pets! I will I hope one day that someone comes up to you and holds you at gun point so you have “scared little eyes” and shoots you to put in a stew. I know you’re probably dans favourite girlfriend but if he’s as heartless as you are “he will get over it”

    1. I freaked a bit at first, too, but then noticed the post date… April fools!

      But geez, way to get all old testament there, friend. Settle down those reactions.

    2. herro i eat cat 3 days a week for dinner and dog the other 5 and anaconda for snacks throughout the day to talk like that about my dinner is outragous you are a bitch

  2. What is wrong is how you can associate hunting (done at specific time of year under the law of where the wild animal is regulated and culled if appropriate) but your lack of compliance with respect for a or many domesticated cats screams that you need counseling. It is sad that you appear to have such little value of yourself that you post such a gruesome story. When you have lost you sense of humanity then you emulate the mental sickness of guards at nazi camps that saw people as nonhuman and therefore did horrible things. The same loss of humanity is destroyed by people that abuse an animal or pet. If you become a middle age or elder person I hope gain your humanity and thus respect of an am in Al that trusts you as a loving caregiver. The post is not funny and is in very poor taste.

    1. It appears idiocy is not lacking in regards to responses for this post. April fools means nothing to a fool. I must ask do u consume dead flesh? I do not or even alive

  3. The post alone is pretty damn funny, but the even more hysterical part are the people who still don’t get it. I feel like these are the folks who think articles by The Onion are real.

  4. Even for fools day not all joke appropriate.
    If u joke to some body . hay. Your m**her died. .
    he may be upset seriously.

  5. This is sick you come try to kill kiss (edit by Coffee Machine Cuisine) my baby’s and I will give a jaeger-shot to (edit by Coffee Machine Cuisine) u

  6. am i the only one who read this because i was actually looking for a good recipe for cooking household animals?

  7. While I am full aware that this was intended to be a “joke”, the only punchline is your punitive writing abilities, shit list-making skills, and fetish for working up pet lovers. G’day, bitch.

  8. My card back was curled in my lap purring away while I was reading these posts she yaundand said crazy human and went to sleep in her frying pan.. !!! Totally unconcerned with me

  9. How dare you kill a cat Plus even if you didn’t kill it that would just that is just so not funny to make it joke about that I was actually really sad about that so don’t think it’s funny

  10. Madre and I have been having a dispute about eating the cat,I totally didn’t expect to find this.
    This article settled the argument,and I am now Homeless.
    Thank you!!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *